i’m tryin’ to protect what i keep inside

5 Jun

The last six months have been really weird for me. It’s been a lot of doubt, occasionally puctuated by a bout of self-loathing. Everything is changing.

I’m officially leaving the zoo at the end of the summer and moving back to PA. I’ll get a random job and take classes for a year, then start the master’s program at PSU Harrisburg. But for that first year in PA I’ll kind of be in limbo. I’ll be in my parents house, no friends around, in the middle of nowhere. And I won’t have health insurance. For a lot of people that wouldn’t matter, but I’m on two antidepressants right now. I can’t stop taking my medication. And I kind of feel like I’m putting my life on hold for three years so that I can move somewhere I actually want to be.

Now I not only have depression and anxiety disorder, I also know I’m autistic. I know why I have trouble regulating my emotions, or understanding other people, or making friends, or dating, or just having some sort of connection with another human being. Knowing that explains a lot, but it hasn’t improved my interactions with other people. I feel very alone. And isolated. And like the only single person in a 100-mile radius.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m scared.

I want my mommy.

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One Response to “i’m tryin’ to protect what i keep inside”

  1. Jenny June 27, 2009 at 15:36 #

    Just stopping by from another website to check out your blog. It's very good and I'll be bookmarking it for updates :) Have a great weekend.

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