for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

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4 Responses to “for crying out loud”

  1. Bev Leroux December 3, 2011 at 13:37 #

    Another thing we have in common… a drunken father. Feeling is a sign of courage… not weakness. You are in a really good place. Keep following the trail of breadcrumbs through the forest.

    • blackbird3398 December 3, 2011 at 17:02 #

      Thanks, Bev! I hope you are starting to feel better!

  2. Bruce (born 2b me) December 3, 2011 at 19:24 #

    Hi Britt,

    Yes I think this is a good thing too. It has been happening to me this fall. My eyes fill with tears easily, and at times I am overcome by gut-wrenching sobbing, too. And this is perceived by me as an opening up, a breaking down of defences. This is in response to the suffering I see around me, and also to uplifting things as well. I used to be more reserved, guarded, and distant. But I can still leap behind the remnants of my old fortress if I perceive an attack, although I am a bit less inclined to do so. Perhaps my world has just been safer and more accepting this fall.

    I too feel better and stronger. But it is exhausting too. Sometimes I am just totally drained. But I do feel more connected to my fellow humans and animals, . More empathetic and compassionate. More aware of the preciousness and fleetingness and fragility of life. More alive, while at the same time less certain of tomorrow, and of my old views. I have more of a sense of us all being in this together. And I am comfortable with that, unlike before when I usually kept a safe distance, and kept my guard up. Big changes. Welcome changes.

    • blackbird3398 December 3, 2011 at 19:32 #

      Bruce,

      It’s kind of exciting, isn’t it? I think it is an important change, especially for someone on the spectrum since we can sometimes be so closed off.

      Nice to hear from you! I hope all is well up north!

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