the tectonic plates are shifting

2 Jan

I’ve been really cranky lately and I apologize. It’s no fun for anyone, especially me.

It’s just that I’ve been getting angry at everything. I feel like a bunch of repressed anger has started to bubble up from deep inside my core. The more of this stuff that pushes through the surface the bigger the cracks get, and then there’s room for more to bubble up.

Some of you probably know what the Buddha said about anger. I’ll paraphrase it: Anger is like a hot coal. You grasp it with the intention of hurling it at someone else, but you end up burning yourself.

But anger can also be a very useful emotion because it is what compels people to change things in their lives. Where you run into problems is when you’re angry about things that you have absolutely no control over. I would venture to guess that this would apply to most of the things we get angry about on a given day.

Some people also say that anger is a secondary emotion; that it only occurs in response to some other emotion, like sadness or pain. I can see how most of my anger comes from a place of pain or rejection, but can I do anything about that? Probably not. Not now at least. I can’t make all the assholes in the world be nice. I can’t go back in time and stand up for myself when I should have.

When you really get down to the brass tacks, I’m mostly just pissed at myself. For not turning out to be the person I thought  I should. For letting other people make me feel small. For being afraid. No, especially for being afraid. Luckily for me there is something I can do about that.

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