fairness and failure

5 Feb

Expecting the world to be fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The concept of fairness is one that many people struggle with, especially aspies. But from a young age most of our mothers impart to us the wisdom that life isn’t fair. You never know what is going to happen, and you usually can’t figure out why it happens either.

I’ve been struggling with this concept a lot in the past week. I’ve been feeling depressed, moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been wondering why I can’t seem to find a partner in life. Then to add to my misery I found out from Facebook (which I really need to stop using because it always manages to upset me) that my ex now has a new girlfriend and they’ve presumably been together for a few months.

This does not really surprise me. He’s the type of person who is never alone for more than a few months before moving on to someone else. And I don’t want to be with him. But it still hurts. A lot. It feels like if he can move on so quickly than what we had wasn’t as important to him as I thought it was.

The worst part about it is that I am a better person than he is.

I mean this in the most objective way possible. Not in a vindictive way. I am simply a nicer, more mature, less selfish, less manipulative, less hurtful person than he is. I am more honest. I am more sincere. I know how to express my feelings. And I don’t misrepresent myself. Oh, and I don’t go on drinking binges until I black out.

So why is it that he always seems to have someone who wants to date him?

Why am I the one that’s alone?

How is it that someone so emotionally stunted always has people who want to be with him even though he’s just going to end up acting like a jerk-face?

I am freaking wonderful in comparison.

This is why I’ve been popping Klonopin all weekend.

Seriously, if someone has an answer to this I’d love to know.

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2 Responses to “fairness and failure”

  1. Bev Leroux February 6, 2012 at 14:38 #

    Lose the Klonopin and let yourself feel your feelings. Those things are addictive and only mask the symptoms of the underlying issue.

    “How is it that someone so emotionally stunted always has people who want to be with him even though he’s just going to end up acting like a jerk-face?”
    Because there are a lot of emotionally-stunted people in the world and a lot of them are willing to settle for less.

    Why are you alone at this time? Because you had the courage to put an end to an abusive relationship. And you haven’t yet met someone, new, who is worth getting to know at a deep level.

    Actively process those feelings (i.e., have a good crying jag and whatever else works) and practice patience. Don’t forget to put yourself in the way of meeting new people, too : )

    Will post a photo on your FB page which sums this up.

    Take care, dear Britt, and your goodies are (almost) on the way.

    Your Elder Friend with much compassion,
    Bev

    • blackbird3398 February 6, 2012 at 21:22 #

      Bev,

      Thank you so much for your kind words.

      I don’t usually use Klonopin and I’m not on anti-depressants anymore. But, when I go to a very dark place sometimes I just need something to keep me from doing something stupid.

      I know that now my challenge is to sit with those feelings. Right now I am still trying to push them away because they are so raw. I have to process I’m not quite ready yet.

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