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strange pull

6 Feb


1 Feb

Feeling sentimental and listening to sad love songs. I did a good job this week, but the pain is still there hiding under the surface.

But there’s something about being in pain that also makes you see things more clearly, and appreciate things more. It feels raw and kind of good at the same time.

But, I shouldn’t think about these things too much.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

empty as the spaces between the stars

24 Jan

I feel empty. I cried a lot on the three days leading up to the breakup. But I’m not crying anymore.

I’m not sure what that means. I got up this morning, went to work, did my job. I admit, I’ve had a little pharmaceutical help in the form of Clonazepam. But I still find my reaction strange. I seem fine. I’m not broken to pieces as I had expected.

I’m wondering if the worst just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I haven’t really started to miss him. I definitely haven’t gotten to the part where I get madder than a hornet. I know that will come. That one always shows up eventually after this happens.

Or maybe it’s because change is the hardest part of a breakup, and I had been preparing for a change for the last couple of months. I just didn’t get the specific change that I had wanted. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll have those moments of sorrow, where I start to cry unexpectedly when I see something that reminds me of him. I’ll have to remove/block a bunch of stuff on Facebook so I don’t have to look at it. The nostalgia of the good times will creep up.

But I know enough about myself now. I know exactly who I am. I’ve done this enough times.

Anyway, an empty vessel leaves space for you to fill it up with anything you want.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

introverts, ep. 2

22 Jan

Here’s episode 2 of The Power of Introverts, for those who may be interested. I find a striking similarity between the personality traits for introverts and those for many of us who are aspies.



21 Jan

This felt vaguely Buddhist to me…and it’s something I wonder about.

That tricky brain can’t be trusted. It’ll tell you all kinds of weird stuff…maybe.

the value of introverts

4 Dec

A new webseries about the value of introverts in an extroverted society:


2 Sep

happiness is a warm gun

12 Aug

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

– Spock

Disclaimer: This is a post about my support of gun control in America. If you don’t want to hear about it I suggest you stop reading now.

Gun control is such a sensitive topic for Americans. I’m not going to hash out the usual arguments here for two reasons: (a) you can find those arguments pretty much anywhere on the internet so there’s no need for me to repeat them, and (b) I have found that this is such a divisive issue that trying to convince anyone on either side of this debate to modify their opinion not very fruitful.
My question is about the evolution of the United States as a country and our evolution as a people. Are guns even relevant to a modern life?

We tend to get hung up on the constitution and what we are entitled to in this country. Okay, you have the right to have guns. But why do you need them? Going hunting only requires a few rifles or maybe a shotgun. Nothing automatic is needed in this case.

If we stopped being so afraid that our individual rights are being taken away we might be able to consider that sacrificing a little bit in this area could lead to a huge benefit for the community as a whole. A mark of a good society is that it cares about the safety and wellbeing of all of its members.

We can’t do whatever we want whenever we want because we live in a community with other people. The truth is I am not that important. I don’t get to exercise my personal freedoms all the time. If that’s the sacrifice I have to make to save some lives I am completely okay with that.

style counts

17 May


gandhi’s top ten

2 Mar

Found this on Facebook and liked it. I thought I’d share.

Have a good weekend everyone!

the waiting is the hardest part…

8 Feb

…as issued from the sagely mouth of Tom Petty.

I can be impatient. I am person of action, so when I come up with a plan I execute it with haste and expect the results to start rolling in. In a way this has been a good thing for me. I’ve always had goals. For the most part I’ve achieved those goals. But it also means that I am constantly focused on whether or not I’m getting where I want to go. To use a hackneyed expression, I’m not enjoying the ride. I’m just in a hurry to get to the destination.

Also, as an aspie, I get all kinds of twitchy when things don’t go according to plan. And with the recent happenings in my life this has been leading to a lot of pain for me. It feels like this whole “finding love” thing is taking for-fucking-ever.

So how do you make an effort at something but not get too caught up in the outcome?

How do you remain eager and hopeful yet unattached?

I don’t know. I don’t have those answers.

All I know is that the lovely Bev posted the following on my Facebook page and it made me cry just a little and made me feel better just a little.

fairness and failure

5 Feb

Expecting the world to be fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The concept of fairness is one that many people struggle with, especially aspies. But from a young age most of our mothers impart to us the wisdom that life isn’t fair. You never know what is going to happen, and you usually can’t figure out why it happens either.

I’ve been struggling with this concept a lot in the past week. I’ve been feeling depressed, moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been wondering why I can’t seem to find a partner in life. Then to add to my misery I found out from Facebook (which I really need to stop using because it always manages to upset me) that my ex now has a new girlfriend and they’ve presumably been together for a few months.

This does not really surprise me. He’s the type of person who is never alone for more than a few months before moving on to someone else. And I don’t want to be with him. But it still hurts. A lot. It feels like if he can move on so quickly than what we had wasn’t as important to him as I thought it was.

The worst part about it is that I am a better person than he is.

I mean this in the most objective way possible. Not in a vindictive way. I am simply a nicer, more mature, less selfish, less manipulative, less hurtful person than he is. I am more honest. I am more sincere. I know how to express my feelings. And I don’t misrepresent myself. Oh, and I don’t go on drinking binges until I black out.

So why is it that he always seems to have someone who wants to date him?

Why am I the one that’s alone?

How is it that someone so emotionally stunted always has people who want to be with him even though he’s just going to end up acting like a jerk-face?

I am freaking wonderful in comparison.

This is why I’ve been popping Klonopin all weekend.

Seriously, if someone has an answer to this I’d love to know.

the tectonic plates are shifting

2 Jan

I’ve been really cranky lately and I apologize. It’s no fun for anyone, especially me.

It’s just that I’ve been getting angry at everything. I feel like a bunch of repressed anger has started to bubble up from deep inside my core. The more of this stuff that pushes through the surface the bigger the cracks get, and then there’s room for more to bubble up.

Some of you probably know what the Buddha said about anger. I’ll paraphrase it: Anger is like a hot coal. You grasp it with the intention of hurling it at someone else, but you end up burning yourself.

But anger can also be a very useful emotion because it is what compels people to change things in their lives. Where you run into problems is when you’re angry about things that you have absolutely no control over. I would venture to guess that this would apply to most of the things we get angry about on a given day.

Some people also say that anger is a secondary emotion; that it only occurs in response to some other emotion, like sadness or pain. I can see how most of my anger comes from a place of pain or rejection, but can I do anything about that? Probably not. Not now at least. I can’t make all the assholes in the world be nice. I can’t go back in time and stand up for myself when I should have.

When you really get down to the brass tacks, I’m mostly just pissed at myself. For not turning out to be the person I thought  I should. For letting other people make me feel small. For being afraid. No, especially for being afraid. Luckily for me there is something I can do about that.


28 Dec

There’s a question that has been bothering me in the past weeks.

How did I get here?

I don’t mean that in a broad existential way. I mean, how did my life get to this point? To a place that I’m not necessarily happy with. They say if you aren’t happy with your life then change it. Well, I believe I’ve changed my life a whole lot in the last five years and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any closer to wherever it is I want to be. Seemingly the only thing that I’ve done is accumulate more debt and a few more failed relationships.

God, I hate the holidays.

for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

autistics speaking day: trust yourself

1 Nov

A major theme in my life has been learning to trust myself. When you’re autistic this can be a hard thing to do. I should start by giving you some background information. I have a very mild form of Asperger syndrome. I was diagnosed two years ago, when I was 26, so I’ve spent most of my life without a diagnosis.

I’ve spent most of my life feeling like something was off, but I didn’t know what it was. This can lead to an incredible sense of insecurity, especially for a young person. I knew that sometimes I did things that other people didn’t like or understand. Once I realized that I was not always acceptable, I started to feel that I couldn’t trust my own judgement. I thought, “other people must know more about these things, so If someone tells me I’m not acting appropriately I should believe them.” I went along in life with this mistaken belief for a long time and it hurt me.

In my adult life I’ve worried about relationships, walked on eggshells trying not to upset people, all the while ignoring my own feelings. When someone else got upset with me I automatically assumed it was because I was wrong and was bad at relationships. Occasionally this is the truth. We all make mistakes and hurt people’s feelings sometimes. But I was giving away my right to my own emotions. As a result I had low self-esteem, anxiety, and a lingering depression. In fact, it was making myself miserable which in turn had a negative effect on my relationships. It was a never-ending cycle.

Luckily, wisdom comes with time and reflection. I am realizing that I am allowed to feel how I feel. In fact, I should listen to those feelings because most of the time they’re telling me something very important. I have to make a promise to myself that I won’t let anybody else tell me that my feelings aren’t valid. And I have to allow myself to feel these emotions without fear that it will upset someone or make other people uncomfortable. I’m not saying that I should act upon every emotion I have; none of us should do that. But I have to listen to myself and use my own judgement.

This sense of insecurity can happen with any young person, but we must be especially careful with young people with Asperger syndrome or high-functioning autism. The truth is there are certain things that we have to learn in order to interact with other people. Chances are we won’t act in the “socially acceptable” way all the time. We can learn social skills. But, it is imperative that this learning process includes temperance. We have to learn that when something doesn’t feel right it’s okay to say so. I had to learn that other people do not know what is best for me. But that got blurred by my intense desire to get other people to like me and my belief that they knew more than I did.

So, teach us how to start a conversation politely or how to make proper eye contact. But also teach us that we are unique individuals who have as much right as anybody else to express how we feel. It is important to accept constructive feedback from others, but we must not let other people decide how we should feel or what is in our best interest. We must have the confidence in ourselves to make these decisions in order to be healthy, happy people. And, we must stand up for those decisions, even when other people don’t understand them.

You are the only person who knows what is right for you.

Trust yourself.

i feel everything

22 Sep

Lately I’ve been a lot more open than I have been in years.  Maybe even since I was a kid.

I feel everything.

It’s kind of wonderful, but it’s also kind of exhausting.

you ride the waves and don’t ask where they go

14 Sep

School update:  I did get a volunteer for my project and I did the initial interview with her yesterday. It seems like they’ll be a great family to work with. We ended up talking for quite a while after the actual interview was done.  It was quite nice. It seems that, once again, I may have freaked out for nothing.  But, it’s hard to change your old patterns.  I’m trying.

Meditation update: I slacked for two days, then got back to it yesterday.  It went much better than on previous days.  I still had monkey mind for the first ten minutes, but then it calmed down.  I think getting some extra sleep definitely helped.  When I try to meditate when I’m sleepy it’s infinitely more difficult. This awakening stuff is hard work.

Emotion update: After about a week of deep loneliness my emotional state has switched over to anger. Maybe this is just the progression of my grieving process or something. I’m angry at myself and at some other people.  But mostly at myself.  I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t apologize to people for feeling how I feel….about anything. This is doubly true for when I’m in a relationship with someone. My emotions and needs are valid, whether someone else agrees with it or not. I’m angry at myself for forgetting this and losing perspective. Trying to accommodate someone else is not always the right thing to do, even if you love them. Especially if you love them.  Sticking up for myself has never been something I’ve been good at.  But again, I’m trying.

Cheesy concluding sentiment: Recently I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and the decisions I’ve made. I’m starting to believe what people say. Your experiences, bad and good, teach you something and if you’re smart you’ll use it as an opportunity to grow. In my younger years I chalked that up to optimistic bullshit. I guess I’m getting wiser or <gasp> turning into an optimist.  In any case, it feels like progress, and that’s all any of us can really hope for.

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