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sleep deprived

25 Feb

It’s not pretty, folks. Or maybe I should say I’m not pretty, because of the giant freaking bags under my eyes.

I have treatment plans and monthly summaries coming out my nose.

If I make it through this week I am doing nothing but sleeping over the weekend…unless something fun comes up.

And now, because I am so damn tired, I will let Natalie Dee express how I feel and then I’m going to sleep.

dear parents

13 Aug

…I know you think your child is cute, but I don’t want to see pictures of your baby covered in food. Gross.

And if you happen to be the parent of an animal instead of a human child, I don’t care what your cat did.

Thank you.

shit people say to aspies

22 Feb

I know a lot of people are kind of over the whole “shit people say” meme. But this is the first one about autistics that I have seen and think this video is great. I’ve heard a lot of these comments myself.

Most of the input I get is of the “but you don’t look autistic” variety. A lot of people are well-meaning. Most of the time I don’t get offended because it is due to ignorance and not malice. But when people question whether I’m autistic because I seem “normal” to them it really gets under my skin.

As Wil Wheaton would say, don’t be a jerk!

this is now officially the worst week of my life

14 Feb

Shall we recap?

  1. I’ve been utterly depressed because I am single, my ex has a new girlfriend, and I’m not having any luck in my sad attempts at dating.
  2. I am incredibly lonely and not liking myself very much.
  3. I found out that the high school I wanted to do my master’s project at won’t let me do it there because they “only work with PhD candidates” and I am running out of time to do this data collection.
  4. Not having much luck with the other local school districts. I may have to think of a whole new topic and redo all of the work I have done in the last six months, and I have to get the entire thing done by May or I don’t graduate.
  5. Today my company announced that they are closing our State College office, so we’re all laid off.
  6. And it’s Valentine’s Day.

Yep. The universe is taking a giant crap all over my plans.

Life fail.

 

all the single ladies

12 Feb

Well, the worst holiday of the entire year is in two days. Can you tell I’m jumping up and down right now?

Anyway, I’m trying not to be completely pessimistic and bitchy about it. So I looked for ways to entertain myself. I got sucked into the abyss of YouTube watching funny videos and I discovered the whole “shit ___ people say” fad. Apparently I’ve been living under a rock.

This one is particularly appropos. It made me laugh….and I have said all of these things at one point or another…..except for the part about cats.

Happy VD.

 

 

happy valley

9 Nov

I live in the happy valley area, so the only thing anyone is talking about this week is the Penn State scandal.

This is, of course, a terrible thing to have happened. But I’m a little disgusted about the focus of many of the comments I’ve seen and heard. There seems to be an awful lot of concern about Penn State’s reputation, and the football program, and whether Joe Paterno will finally retire.

I’m sorry but I don’t give a damn about Penn State or it’s precious football program.

The only thing that should be important is that children were abused and nobody stopped the man who was doing it. For decades.

And that’s all I can really say about it without becoming completely incensed.

in the nexus of blah

8 Nov

[rant alert]

Do you ever feel like everything in your life is conspiring to annoy the crap out of you one tiny thing at a time?

Yeah. It’s not a good feeling.

It’s when nothing truly bad happens, just a lot of little stuff starts to stack up.

School and work are simultaneously boring and stressful. It feels like it is going on forever. But you may be thinking, I get a break during the holidays. It’s true. I do get about a month off from school. But then there are the holidays to contend with. A period that just allows me more time to think about how single I am. Especially because I wasn’t single last year at this time. Then there’s the looming specter of my master’s research just beyond the horizon, when the new semester starts.

And then, right after the new year is my birthday. Again, a time when I lament how little I’ve accomplished. This birthday will be the last birthday in my twenties. I’m more than a little annoyed with that prospect. I’m starting to notice the first little signs of aging. I have three gray hairs. I know exactly where all of them are so I can check and see if they are spawning more. This wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I’m not married. I am acutely aware of my prime child-bearing years just ticking away here.

So, my days consist of boredom punctuated by irritation (caused by children who constantly scream or attempt to attack me) or brief bursts of stinging loneliness. I’m exhausted.

I just have to make it through the next three months without getting totally overwhelmed.

I’m too old for this

23 Oct

I find myself saying that phrase fairly often these days. I don’t feel old, like elderly. I just feel too old for certain things, like school. I’ve turned into a slacker.

I don’t really care to do any of this stuff anymore. I still have 201 days until graduation. It feels like forever. I’d rather be knitting, or baking, or doing something that has a tangible result. Consequently, I do those things instead of studying. I made a pumpkin roll yesterday. That’s an accomplishment, right?

Work has been pretty boring lately too.

I think the winter doldrums are setting in a little early this year.

 

suck it, acute viral rhinopharyngitis

5 Oct

I just pre-ordered this:

Exciting! And I ordered it in real book format instead of Kindle format. It’s supposed to be amazing. Although, it will take me forever to read. Hopefully I’ll be able to get through a lot of it over the winter break.

Also, Facebook has been making me feel really depressed lately. I’m thinking of taking a sabbatical from it. It’s embarrassing to admit, but all those happily married people with all their cute little babies is enough to put me over the edge. I already feel bad; I don’t need that in my face right now. And about a week and a half ago I made the mistake of talking to my ex on FB chat. It was not a good idea. It ended with sobbing.

Plus, I’m still sick and it’s getting really old.

Waaaaa.

I have problems.

Feel bad for me.

…and…

3 Oct

I’ve had this cold for about three weeks. I thought it was getting better, and then it got worse again. It’s like the super-mutant-cold-of-death. I really miss being able to breathe. So I’ve been feeling tired and run down. I didn’t do anything all weekend except knit and watch episodes of ST:DS9. And then I felt bad about myself for being a useless human being. And then I felt lonely. And then I had insomnia.

And this is pretty much a useless rant of a post.

But my brother is here now and he brought me apple cider.  Huzzah!

writing sucks

30 Sep

I am not good at writing. Sure, I write a blog. But all you have to do for that is spew whatever you’re thinking onto the internet. I do not write well when it comes to assignments that require a minimum number of pages. I am not good at filling in pages with unneccessary information that is still somehow related to the topic at hand.

I say what is absolutely needed to get my point across and that’s it. That does not make for a long paper.

So yeah, school is stressing me out right now and I’m just procrastinating as long as possible.

 

Unrelatedly, I bought these sheets.

Yeah, they look pretty cool.  They’ve got that neat pleated border. Well, I found out that in order for them to continue having that neat pleated border I have to iron them every time they’re washed. Laziness fail.

you know what?

9 Sep

I’m angry.

I have to do a project for a class this semester where I have to find a kid with a minor behavioral problem and do an intervention. We have to do a couple of interviews and some data collection throughout the semester.  The professor gave us the first two and a half weeks of class to find someone to work with and do the first interview.  I have six days left and I haven’t gotten anybody yet. I feel like I have asked everybody that I know. There isn’t anybody left.

I’m a good student.  I have a 4.0 GPA for my master’s degree so far. I feel like I’m being penalized because I don’t know very many people and I don’t think that’s fair. I really don’t know what to do.

Not to mention, I haven’t learned anything from this program so far and I already know how to do an intervention because it’s my job. I do it every day.  I don’t need to be doing this stupid project in the first place.

 

Add to that three days of insomnia and a soul-crushing feeling of loneliness and it’s a recipe for disaster.

 

It’s okay.

Bursting into tears while driving the car is perfectly normal.

Right?

resolve

29 Aug

I was feeling pretty good last week, and now I feel like I’m losing my resolve.

The semester started today and all the stress came flooding back in. And with it, came the loneliness of no longer being in a relationship and not having another person around during stressful times. I have to decide on a research topic by the end of this week. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to pick. It has to be something that I can feasibly do a study on. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m not getting much guidance.

I hate school right now.

Only 256 days until graduation.

i feel weird

14 May

I feel stressed out and lonely and weird.

I quit the job I just started two weeks ago.  I had an interview for another job and they’ve pretty much told me they’re going to hire me just as soon as they contact my references and make sure that’s all kosher.  So, I’m assuming that’s going to work out.  I really need it to work out.  Something has to work out.

This whole job situation has been stressing me out something awful.

Then there’s dating…..which is also stressing me out something awful.

And I’m sick, so that doesn’t help either.

I just wish I had somebody, you know?

1 in 110

29 Apr

First, watch this PSA from Autism Speaks, which strongly advocates for an autism cure.  This ad created a lot of outrage from those of us who don’t see autism as a terminal illness.

Thanks, Autism Speaks.  I didn’t realize that my existence caused my family nothing but pain, suffering, and embarrassment.  It’s “too late” for me.  I guess I’m responsible for my parents’ divorce too.

Now, watch this PSA from ASAN, the Autism Self-advocacy Network, from people who have autism.

Just because we’re different doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be accepted the way we are, and provided with the assistance to live our lives in our own way.  We need more focus on education, acceptance, and support for autistics and their families.  If they find a “cure” someday then people can decide what to do when that happens.  But right now, we need people to embrace neurodiversity because our wiring may be different but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Supposedly one in 110 children have autism (I love how adults are never included in these statistics).  And according to Autism Speaks, one in 70 boys have autism.  Think about that.  It’s an immense number of people.  How can that many people be “sick”?  If these numbers are true then autism starts to sound less like a disease and more like part of the natural spectrum of human existence.

i have anxiety

2 Apr

So I have a job offer but my driving record might disqualify me because part of the job is driving people around.   I’m not sure because I can’t remember that far back to know what I was cited for when I had an accident.  It’ll be three years in a couple of months and then it will disappear for these purposes, but I don’t know if they would hire me now.  I need to talk to the HR person, but she’s out of the office until Monday.  I’m stressed out.

Thursday I was driving home when a belt and a pulley blew off of my car.  Some guy let me park it in his driveway overnight, then I was able to drive it to a service station the next day.  It’s in the shop.  I don’t know how much it’s going to cost.  I’m stressed out.

I have my 10-year high school reunion tonight.  Enough said.  I’m stressed out.

here we go again

24 Mar

I have another interview on Friday.  I seem like a very good choice for the job, but I’ve thought that before…

Not even going to bother writing about the details unless they offer it to me.

Also, I think it’s dumb that you need academic references when you apply for a graduate degree six years after undergrad.  I don’t know if any of my professors remember me.  In any case, I’m a very different person now than when I was in college.  I don’t really see how it’s relevant.  Especially since the forms from the department want to know about my sense of humor, or things like my “ability to calm others” and “ability to tolerate ambiguity.”   Really, Edinoro?

fml

8 Mar
  1. I got another rejection letter in the mail yesterday.
  2. I realized I sent my federal tax return with no W-2’s.
  3. I can’t afford to go to the grocery store.
  4. Something’s wrong with my car.  I can’t afford to fix that either.
  5. Ladybugs are invading my bedroom.
  6. I miss my friends.
  7. The dogs are still really irritating.

barking mad

6 Mar

I finally have some peace and quiet after two hours of barking.  They just wouldn’t stop.  My parents are on vacation and I’m the only one here.  Apparently the dogs know that, and if they can’t see me they bark continuously.  Now that they’ve finally ceased the racket I can’t even flush the toilet upstairs.  If they hear me they’ll start again.  I wouldn’t mind hanging out in the room with them, except it’s stinky and freezing.  I don’t know if I can take five days of this.  Do they do that when I leave the house?  Sigh.

As you may already know, I’ve been pretty unsatisfied with the state of my life lately.  I feel like I’m going to end up barking mad sometimes.  Every week I get more and more frustrated with my underemployment.  Seemingly, I’m not qualified to do anything.  I literally make negative money.  Thank you, student loans.  Each month I get slightly further into credit card debt.  At this rate I’ll have no way of paying tuition in the fall.  I really, really didn’t think it was going to be this difficult.  Also, I’ve decided to take a break from dating.  I’ve been putting energy into that particular aspect of my life for over a year now and it’s been exhausting and almost entirely unsuccessful.  It just isn’t working and, frankly, I can’t be bothered anymore.  I have more important things to deal with at the moment, like avoiding utter destitution.  Double sigh.

killer whale

26 Feb

I can’t help but comment on this.  You’ve probably heard about the orca at SeaWorld who killed a trainer on Wednesday.  I have problems with wild animals in captivity, particularly the large, intelligent kind that live in complex social groups.  They just shouldn’t be in captivity, plain and simple.  SeaWorld officials claim that neither isolation nor confinement contributed to any erratic behavior with this animal.  You’ve got to be kidding me, SeaWorld.  Eye-witnesses have said that the trainers knew the whales were acting strangely that day.  Sure.  Taking an animal from the ocean and putting it in a teeny tank doesn’t stress it at all.

This is the third human death that Tilikum, a 12000-pound male orca, has been implicated in.  Of course, SeaWorld will keep using him in shows because he makes money for them.  He’s too valuable for them not to keep him.  This is incredibly irresponsible on their part.  This is dangerous for the animal and for any people that interact with him.  Not to mention, they never should have removed him from the wild in the first place.

I’m not trying to blame the victims here, the trainer or the whale.  But, there is a certain phenomenon of complacency that often crops up when people work with animals.  It’s something that always irritated me when I worked at the zoo.  People think that they completely know their animal.  They get attached to it and attribute human emotions to it.  Don’t get me wrong, I love animals.  But I don’t make the mistake of forgetting that they are wild animals and they need to treated as such.  Anthropomorphizing the animals you work with is not helpful for anybody. When animals attack they are just being animals.  We should not be surprised by this.

Here’s what the Humane Society had to say, and I agree with them one hundred percent.

This is a terrible tragedy and our hearts go out to the family of the trainer.  Tillikum, the SeaWorld orca, has now been involved in the deaths of three people. Using these animals in entertainment is not good for animals or people. Sadly, we’ve seen evidence of that again today. Whales and dolphins are large, intelligent, long-lived, socially complex predators who often hunt cooperatively and are capable of swimming a hundred miles in a day. They are unsuited to permanent confinement, often exhibiting neurotic behaviors in these settings. Capture methods are also inhumane, and often not adequately managed or overseen.

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