Tag Archives: anxiety

the particular cruelty of asperger syndrome

4 Oct

This entry is inspired by Bruce’s latest post about us aspies having to try and “pass” for normal in order to get along in the world. He talks about how this can be harmful and cause you to burnout if you’re constantly trying to fit in. It’s a very thoughtful post. It got me thinking about how much of ourselves we have to hide in order to be socially acceptable. Even people without disabilities do it.

I kind of have mixed feelings about it. When I was first diagnosed it was a relief, but I was also angry that I was still expected to try to act like everyone else in order to be acceptable. It seemed like it was quite okay for other people to be offensive to me, but I had to “fix’ the way I acted so as not to offend them. A lot of that anger has faded away now. I’ve accepted that it’s just one of the cold hard facts of life. If you want to play the social game you have to follow some of the rules.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be yourself. But I think that in order to be realistic we have to balance both being ourselves and being passable. It’s life. It’s what all of us do. Some of us are just better at it than others. Some of us just really have to work hard at learning the social rules. I’ll never get it perfect. I’ll always be autistic. All I can do is try my best to make other people comfortable around me. If they still don’t like me after that then I guess it’s their loss.

I spent a good 20 years of my life torturing myself over my inexplicably failed interactions with other people. This is the particular cruelty of Asperger Syndrome. You want people to like you but you know that there’s something not quite right about you. You want to live up to other people’s expectations yet you have no idea how to go about doing it. And the worst part is that nobody will tell what it is that you need to change. You’re left alone and floundering, wondering why it has to be so hard for you. Oftentimes depression and feeling of self-loathing set in. And the more depressed and anxious you get, the more uncomfortable other people are around you. At this point you have a decision to make. You can be miserable or you can fix what you can and accept the rest. I’m not saying that it’s easy. It’s a work in progress. Like I’ve said before: all we can do is try our best and be kind to ourselves.

resolve

29 Aug

I was feeling pretty good last week, and now I feel like I’m losing my resolve.

The semester started today and all the stress came flooding back in. And with it, came the loneliness of no longer being in a relationship and not having another person around during stressful times. I have to decide on a research topic by the end of this week. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to pick. It has to be something that I can feasibly do a study on. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m not getting much guidance.

I hate school right now.

Only 256 days until graduation.

i have anxiety

2 Apr

So I have a job offer but my driving record might disqualify me because part of the job is driving people around.   I’m not sure because I can’t remember that far back to know what I was cited for when I had an accident.  It’ll be three years in a couple of months and then it will disappear for these purposes, but I don’t know if they would hire me now.  I need to talk to the HR person, but she’s out of the office until Monday.  I’m stressed out.

Thursday I was driving home when a belt and a pulley blew off of my car.  Some guy let me park it in his driveway overnight, then I was able to drive it to a service station the next day.  It’s in the shop.  I don’t know how much it’s going to cost.  I’m stressed out.

I have my 10-year high school reunion tonight.  Enough said.  I’m stressed out.

my brain has no game

7 Jan

Meditation is hard. But, it can be hard for lots of different reasons. It varies from day to day. Sometimes you’re tired and you’re trying to stay awake. Sometimes your leg is asleep or your back hurts and it’s distracting you. Sometimes you just can’t concentrate (monkey mind).

I’ve been having an anxiety problem lately. Trying to get through the whirlwind of obsessive thoughts has proven difficult. Last night, every time I would let go for a second I felt a sense of fear and the thoughts would come rushing back in. It’s as if I’m afraid to be alone with myself, without all of those pointless thoughts to distract me. It’s like I’m on a bad date with my brain; it gets freaked out by the awkward pause so it blurts out something nonsensical.

%d bloggers like this: