Tag Archives: depression

suck it, acute viral rhinopharyngitis

5 Oct

I just pre-ordered this:

Exciting! And I ordered it in real book format instead of Kindle format. It’s supposed to be amazing. Although, it will take me forever to read. Hopefully I’ll be able to get through a lot of it over the winter break.

Also, Facebook has been making me feel really depressed lately. I’m thinking of taking a sabbatical from it. It’s embarrassing to admit, but all those happily married people with all their cute little babies is enough to put me over the edge. I already feel bad; I don’t need that in my face right now. And about a week and a half ago I made the mistake of talking to my ex on FB chat. It was not a good idea. It ended with sobbing.

Plus, I’m still sick and it’s getting really old.


I have problems.

Feel bad for me.

the particular cruelty of asperger syndrome

4 Oct

This entry is inspired by Bruce’s latest post about us aspies having to try and “pass” for normal in order to get along in the world. He talks about how this can be harmful and cause you to burnout if you’re constantly trying to fit in. It’s a very thoughtful post. It got me thinking about how much of ourselves we have to hide in order to be socially acceptable. Even people without disabilities do it.

I kind of have mixed feelings about it. When I was first diagnosed it was a relief, but I was also angry that I was still expected to try to act like everyone else in order to be acceptable. It seemed like it was quite okay for other people to be offensive to me, but I had to “fix’ the way I acted so as not to offend them. A lot of that anger has faded away now. I’ve accepted that it’s just one of the cold hard facts of life. If you want to play the social game you have to follow some of the rules.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be yourself. But I think that in order to be realistic we have to balance both being ourselves and being passable. It’s life. It’s what all of us do. Some of us are just better at it than others. Some of us just really have to work hard at learning the social rules. I’ll never get it perfect. I’ll always be autistic. All I can do is try my best to make other people comfortable around me. If they still don’t like me after that then I guess it’s their loss.

I spent a good 20 years of my life torturing myself over my inexplicably failed interactions with other people. This is the particular cruelty of Asperger Syndrome. You want people to like you but you know that there’s something not quite right about you. You want to live up to other people’s expectations yet you have no idea how to go about doing it. And the worst part is that nobody will tell what it is that you need to change. You’re left alone and floundering, wondering why it has to be so hard for you. Oftentimes depression and feeling of self-loathing set in. And the more depressed and anxious you get, the more uncomfortable other people are around you. At this point you have a decision to make. You can be miserable or you can fix what you can and accept the rest. I’m not saying that it’s easy. It’s a work in progress. Like I’ve said before: all we can do is try our best and be kind to ourselves.

i ate it with my bare hands

17 May

Wow, I had a rough weekend.  I spent most of the time moping around the house.  But, I got a lot of rest and my cold is starting to go away.  Then today I was feeling better and I made the realization I make every month, “Oh right.  I felt like I wanted to die because I had PMS.”

I hate to perpetuate the stereotype of the hormonal woman, but for me it makes a huge difference.  I get really, really depressed.  Especially if I was already stressed out to begin with.  It’s really bad, man.  But I always seem to forget about it at the time and wonder why I feel so horrible, until my period starts and then everything goes back to normal.  Men, be very glad you don’t have to deal with that crap.

Anyway, I went and got a Pepperidge Farm cake for a little pick-me-up.  It was one of my comfort foods in college and I still like to get one every once in a while.  I found an odd discrepancy at the Lewistown Giant.  It has the strangest selection of items of any grocery store I’ve ever been in.  In the freezer section there were twenty different pies and only two cakes.  Two cakes, I say!  Chocolate or vanilla.  No yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  No lemon cake.  No German chocolate.  But, they had six different kinds of apple pie.  What?

pleasure pathways

4 Jan

Let’s face it, I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine.  I have depression.  I’m down a lot.

But, even when I’m not depressed I don’t seem to take a lot of pleasure from things that are supposedly fun.  Even when I’m not miserable, I’m not really happy either.  My therapist has a theory about this.  My brain might not be wired correctly to experience pleasure.  There’s research being done on the endorphin system.  Endorphins, as you probably know,  are those nice good-feeling chemicals that get released in our brains when we do something pleasurable.

Yeah, I don’t get that.  When the therapist asked me to make a list of things that I find enjoyable or times when I really felt good I couldn’t think of any.  I don’t really have a lot of hobbies because nothing is fun to me.  I don’t like to exercise because I don’t get the endorphin rush, in fact I often feel worse afterward like a crash without a high.  Coffee just makes me jittery.  These signs, among many others, have led my therapist to think that I may be one of the people whose endorphin system doesn’t release the right chemicals in the right ratio at the right time.  My reward center doesn’t pump the good stuff when it should.  And, when there is no reward there is no motivation. It kind of puts a damper on your joy.

Nobody really knows what to do about this.  There are theories about using micro-doses of opioid antagonists to treat it, but there’s no hard evidence that it works.  I’ve been started on one of these drugs but we don’t really know what kind of dosage to use.  It’s a crapshoot.

I really hope it changes something.

I want to be capable of being happy.

I want to feel good.

I want to be a real boy.

Er, girl.

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