Tag Archives: heartbreak

hope

1 Feb

Feeling sentimental and listening to sad love songs. I did a good job this week, but the pain is still there hiding under the surface.

But there’s something about being in pain that also makes you see things more clearly, and appreciate things more. It feels raw and kind of good at the same time.

But, I shouldn’t think about these things too much.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

i didn’t want to do it

26 Jan

I didn’t want to do it, but I had to.

He called me last night, to chat, to say he missed me, to say he wished I was there.

I said he was the one who decided I shouldn’t be there.

I asked him not to call me again.

I really didn’t want to say it. Of course I want to talk to him. I still want us to be together. But that was the choice he made.

I hope I’m right about this.

empty as the spaces between the stars

24 Jan

I feel empty. I cried a lot on the three days leading up to the breakup. But I’m not crying anymore.

I’m not sure what that means. I got up this morning, went to work, did my job. I admit, I’ve had a little pharmaceutical help in the form of Clonazepam. But I still find my reaction strange. I seem fine. I’m not broken to pieces as I had expected.

I’m wondering if the worst just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I haven’t really started to miss him. I definitely haven’t gotten to the part where I get madder than a hornet. I know that will come. That one always shows up eventually after this happens.

Or maybe it’s because change is the hardest part of a breakup, and I had been preparing for a change for the last couple of months. I just didn’t get the specific change that I had wanted. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll have those moments of sorrow, where I start to cry unexpectedly when I see something that reminds me of him. I’ll have to remove/block a bunch of stuff on Facebook so I don’t have to look at it. The nostalgia of the good times will creep up.

But I know enough about myself now. I know exactly who I am. I’ve done this enough times.

Anyway, an empty vessel leaves space for you to fill it up with anything you want.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

fairness and failure

5 Feb

Expecting the world to be fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The concept of fairness is one that many people struggle with, especially aspies. But from a young age most of our mothers impart to us the wisdom that life isn’t fair. You never know what is going to happen, and you usually can’t figure out why it happens either.

I’ve been struggling with this concept a lot in the past week. I’ve been feeling depressed, moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been wondering why I can’t seem to find a partner in life. Then to add to my misery I found out from Facebook (which I really need to stop using because it always manages to upset me) that my ex now has a new girlfriend and they’ve presumably been together for a few months.

This does not really surprise me. He’s the type of person who is never alone for more than a few months before moving on to someone else. And I don’t want to be with him. But it still hurts. A lot. It feels like if he can move on so quickly than what we had wasn’t as important to him as I thought it was.

The worst part about it is that I am a better person than he is.

I mean this in the most objective way possible. Not in a vindictive way. I am simply a nicer, more mature, less selfish, less manipulative, less hurtful person than he is. I am more honest. I am more sincere. I know how to express my feelings. And I don’t misrepresent myself. Oh, and I don’t go on drinking binges until I black out.

So why is it that he always seems to have someone who wants to date him?

Why am I the one that’s alone?

How is it that someone so emotionally stunted always has people who want to be with him even though he’s just going to end up acting like a jerk-face?

I am freaking wonderful in comparison.

This is why I’ve been popping Klonopin all weekend.

Seriously, if someone has an answer to this I’d love to know.

for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

tipsy

21 Aug

I felt pretty good today. I’ve kept myself busy since yesterday evening, which helps to avoid obsessive over-analysis. According to the book I’ve been reading, staying busy can be helpful as long as it’s not a way of ignoring or denying your feelings. Yesterday after crying for a good bit, I started the massive clean up and organization of my bedroom that I had been planning. I managed to get almost all of it done yesterday. I rearranged the furniture and ordered new bedding. I’m feng shui-ing that bitch. And I’m attempting to make my bed The Most Comfortable Bed In Existence. I’m going to make this room my sanctuary.

During the day today I went canoeing with my parents on the Juniata River. It was pretty fun. We saw a bunch of fish and birds, including a bald eagle. I accidentally tipped the canoe. I thought it was funny. I don’t think my parents were amused. When we got back I started priming and painting my old desk and chair to go in my room so I have a work area in there. Then, tonight I had a phone call from a friend that I haven’t talked to in almost a year, which was much appreciated.

So, things could be worse.

%d bloggers like this: