Tag Archives: hope


1 Feb

Feeling sentimental and listening to sad love songs. I did a good job this week, but the pain is still there hiding under the surface.

But there’s something about being in pain that also makes you see things more clearly, and appreciate things more. It feels raw and kind of good at the same time.

But, I shouldn’t think about these things too much.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

the waiting is the hardest part…

8 Feb

…as issued from the sagely mouth of Tom Petty.

I can be impatient. I am person of action, so when I come up with a plan I execute it with haste and expect the results to start rolling in. In a way this has been a good thing for me. I’ve always had goals. For the most part I’ve achieved those goals. But it also means that I am constantly focused on whether or not I’m getting where I want to go. To use a hackneyed expression, I’m not enjoying the ride. I’m just in a hurry to get to the destination.

Also, as an aspie, I get all kinds of twitchy when things don’t go according to plan. And with the recent happenings in my life this has been leading to a lot of pain for me. It feels like this whole “finding love” thing is taking for-fucking-ever.

So how do you make an effort at something but not get too caught up in the outcome?

How do you remain eager and hopeful yet unattached?

I don’t know. I don’t have those answers.

All I know is that the lovely Bev posted the following on my Facebook page and it made me cry just a little and made me feel better just a little.

you ride the waves and don’t ask where they go

14 Sep

School update:  I did get a volunteer for my project and I did the initial interview with her yesterday. It seems like they’ll be a great family to work with. We ended up talking for quite a while after the actual interview was done.  It was quite nice. It seems that, once again, I may have freaked out for nothing.  But, it’s hard to change your old patterns.  I’m trying.

Meditation update: I slacked for two days, then got back to it yesterday.  It went much better than on previous days.  I still had monkey mind for the first ten minutes, but then it calmed down.  I think getting some extra sleep definitely helped.  When I try to meditate when I’m sleepy it’s infinitely more difficult. This awakening stuff is hard work.

Emotion update: After about a week of deep loneliness my emotional state has switched over to anger. Maybe this is just the progression of my grieving process or something. I’m angry at myself and at some other people.  But mostly at myself.  I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t apologize to people for feeling how I feel….about anything. This is doubly true for when I’m in a relationship with someone. My emotions and needs are valid, whether someone else agrees with it or not. I’m angry at myself for forgetting this and losing perspective. Trying to accommodate someone else is not always the right thing to do, even if you love them. Especially if you love them.  Sticking up for myself has never been something I’ve been good at.  But again, I’m trying.

Cheesy concluding sentiment: Recently I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and the decisions I’ve made. I’m starting to believe what people say. Your experiences, bad and good, teach you something and if you’re smart you’ll use it as an opportunity to grow. In my younger years I chalked that up to optimistic bullshit. I guess I’m getting wiser or <gasp> turning into an optimist.  In any case, it feels like progress, and that’s all any of us can really hope for.

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