Tag Archives: loneliness

?

28 Dec

There’s a question that has been bothering me in the past weeks.

How did I get here?

I don’t mean that in a broad existential way. I mean, how did my life get to this point? To a place that I’m not necessarily happy with. They say if you aren’t happy with your life then change it. Well, I believe I’ve changed my life a whole lot in the last five years and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any closer to wherever it is I want to be. Seemingly the only thing that I’ve done is accumulate more debt and a few more failed relationships.

God, I hate the holidays.

in the nexus of blah

8 Nov

[rant alert]

Do you ever feel like everything in your life is conspiring to annoy the crap out of you one tiny thing at a time?

Yeah. It’s not a good feeling.

It’s when nothing truly bad happens, just a lot of little stuff starts to stack up.

School and work are simultaneously boring and stressful. It feels like it is going on forever. But you may be thinking, I get a break during the holidays. It’s true. I do get about a month off from school. But then there are the holidays to contend with. A period that just allows me more time to think about how single I am. Especially because I wasn’t single last year at this time. Then there’s the looming specter of my master’s research just beyond the horizon, when the new semester starts.

And then, right after the new year is my birthday. Again, a time when I lament how little I’ve accomplished. This birthday will be the last birthday in my twenties. I’m more than a little annoyed with that prospect. I’m starting to notice the first little signs of aging. I have three gray hairs. I know exactly where all of them are so I can check and see if they are spawning more. This wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I’m not married. I am acutely aware of my prime child-bearing years just ticking away here.

So, my days consist of boredom punctuated by irritation (caused by children who constantly scream or attempt to attack me) or brief bursts of stinging loneliness. I’m exhausted.

I just have to make it through the next three months without getting totally overwhelmed.

you ride the waves and don’t ask where they go

14 Sep

School update:  I did get a volunteer for my project and I did the initial interview with her yesterday. It seems like they’ll be a great family to work with. We ended up talking for quite a while after the actual interview was done.  It was quite nice. It seems that, once again, I may have freaked out for nothing.  But, it’s hard to change your old patterns.  I’m trying.

Meditation update: I slacked for two days, then got back to it yesterday.  It went much better than on previous days.  I still had monkey mind for the first ten minutes, but then it calmed down.  I think getting some extra sleep definitely helped.  When I try to meditate when I’m sleepy it’s infinitely more difficult. This awakening stuff is hard work.

Emotion update: After about a week of deep loneliness my emotional state has switched over to anger. Maybe this is just the progression of my grieving process or something. I’m angry at myself and at some other people.  But mostly at myself.  I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t apologize to people for feeling how I feel….about anything. This is doubly true for when I’m in a relationship with someone. My emotions and needs are valid, whether someone else agrees with it or not. I’m angry at myself for forgetting this and losing perspective. Trying to accommodate someone else is not always the right thing to do, even if you love them. Especially if you love them.  Sticking up for myself has never been something I’ve been good at.  But again, I’m trying.

Cheesy concluding sentiment: Recently I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and the decisions I’ve made. I’m starting to believe what people say. Your experiences, bad and good, teach you something and if you’re smart you’ll use it as an opportunity to grow. In my younger years I chalked that up to optimistic bullshit. I guess I’m getting wiser or <gasp> turning into an optimist.  In any case, it feels like progress, and that’s all any of us can really hope for.

you know what?

9 Sep

I’m angry.

I have to do a project for a class this semester where I have to find a kid with a minor behavioral problem and do an intervention. We have to do a couple of interviews and some data collection throughout the semester.  The professor gave us the first two and a half weeks of class to find someone to work with and do the first interview.  I have six days left and I haven’t gotten anybody yet. I feel like I have asked everybody that I know. There isn’t anybody left.

I’m a good student.  I have a 4.0 GPA for my master’s degree so far. I feel like I’m being penalized because I don’t know very many people and I don’t think that’s fair. I really don’t know what to do.

Not to mention, I haven’t learned anything from this program so far and I already know how to do an intervention because it’s my job. I do it every day.  I don’t need to be doing this stupid project in the first place.

 

Add to that three days of insomnia and a soul-crushing feeling of loneliness and it’s a recipe for disaster.

 

It’s okay.

Bursting into tears while driving the car is perfectly normal.

Right?

gloomy

5 Sep

That’s what the weather is like today and that’s how I’m feeling.

I was doing so well the first two weeks after the breakup. Now I feel lonely and stressed out. I cried and now my face feels all crusty.

I know I’m probably feeling worse today because I didn’t get enough sleep the past two nights.  I know that has a big effect on my mood. I guess I’ll do my meditation and see if that helps. I’m going on faith that if I meditate every day that I’ll have some sort of positive change in my perspective.  I guess the only way to find out is to keep doing it.

so…

3 Sep

Thinking of something to post everyday is harder than I thought. I mean, I’m not that interesting.

My parents are in Ohio today and tomorrow so I’m holding down the fort on my own. I’m a little bit lonely, but not as much as I thought I was going to be. It’s the first time I’ve really, truly been alone since I moved back here.

I gave myself a haircut.  Then I went out in the woods and collected some crazy looking mushrooms to see if I can identify them.  Don’t worry, I’m not planning on eating them. I do want to practice identifying them though, so that eventually I am able to discern which ones are edible. Unfortunately, I don’t have pictures of either of these events because the parental units took their camera with them and mine was screwed up in the canoe incident.

Now I’m just sitting out on the front porch with four dogs, watching the sunset. I found a use for my overly-strong-smelling Tibetan monastery incense: bug repellant.

resolve

29 Aug

I was feeling pretty good last week, and now I feel like I’m losing my resolve.

The semester started today and all the stress came flooding back in. And with it, came the loneliness of no longer being in a relationship and not having another person around during stressful times. I have to decide on a research topic by the end of this week. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to pick. It has to be something that I can feasibly do a study on. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like I’m not getting much guidance.

I hate school right now.

Only 256 days until graduation.

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