Tag Archives: loss

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

empty as the spaces between the stars

24 Jan

I feel empty. I cried a lot on the three days leading up to the breakup. But I’m not crying anymore.

I’m not sure what that means. I got up this morning, went to work, did my job. I admit, I’ve had a little pharmaceutical help in the form of Clonazepam. But I still find my reaction strange. I seem fine. I’m not broken to pieces as I had expected.

I’m wondering if the worst just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I haven’t really started to miss him. I definitely haven’t gotten to the part where I get madder than a hornet. I know that will come. That one always shows up eventually after this happens.

Or maybe it’s because change is the hardest part of a breakup, and I had been preparing for a change for the last couple of months. I just didn’t get the specific change that I had wanted. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll have those moments of sorrow, where I start to cry unexpectedly when I see something that reminds me of him. I’ll have to remove/block a bunch of stuff on Facebook so I don’t have to look at it. The nostalgia of the good times will creep up.

But I know enough about myself now. I know exactly who I am. I’ve done this enough times.

Anyway, an empty vessel leaves space for you to fill it up with anything you want.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

the tectonic plates are shifting

2 Jan

I’ve been really cranky lately and I apologize. It’s no fun for anyone, especially me.

It’s just that I’ve been getting angry at everything. I feel like a bunch of repressed anger has started to bubble up from deep inside my core. The more of this stuff that pushes through the surface the bigger the cracks get, and then there’s room for more to bubble up.

Some of you probably know what the Buddha said about anger. I’ll paraphrase it: Anger is like a hot coal. You grasp it with the intention of hurling it at someone else, but you end up burning yourself.

But anger can also be a very useful emotion because it is what compels people to change things in their lives. Where you run into problems is when you’re angry about things that you have absolutely no control over. I would venture to guess that this would apply to most of the things we get angry about on a given day.

Some people also say that anger is a secondary emotion; that it only occurs in response to some other emotion, like sadness or pain. I can see how most of my anger comes from a place of pain or rejection, but can I do anything about that? Probably not. Not now at least. I can’t make all the assholes in the world be nice. I can’t go back in time and stand up for myself when I should have.

When you really get down to the brass tacks, I’m mostly just pissed at myself. For not turning out to be the person I thought  I should. For letting other people make me feel small. For being afraid. No, especially for being afraid. Luckily for me there is something I can do about that.

shiba

20 Dec

My dog died overnight.

She was old and getting sick and we knew it would happen soon, but I’m still really sad about it.

That’s all I have to say right now.

for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

tipsy

21 Aug

I felt pretty good today. I’ve kept myself busy since yesterday evening, which helps to avoid obsessive over-analysis. According to the book I’ve been reading, staying busy can be helpful as long as it’s not a way of ignoring or denying your feelings. Yesterday after crying for a good bit, I started the massive clean up and organization of my bedroom that I had been planning. I managed to get almost all of it done yesterday. I rearranged the furniture and ordered new bedding. I’m feng shui-ing that bitch. And I’m attempting to make my bed The Most Comfortable Bed In Existence. I’m going to make this room my sanctuary.

During the day today I went canoeing with my parents on the Juniata River. It was pretty fun. We saw a bunch of fish and birds, including a bald eagle. I accidentally tipped the canoe. I thought it was funny. I don’t think my parents were amused. When we got back I started priming and painting my old desk and chair to go in my room so I have a work area in there. Then, tonight I had a phone call from a friend that I haven’t talked to in almost a year, which was much appreciated.

So, things could be worse.

as i suspected

20 Aug

Yesterday and today have been hard days for me. It’s been almost a week since the breakup and I’m starting to miss him. I also haven’t gotten enough sleep the past two nights, which tends to make me more emotional anyway. I woke up at 3AM this morning and never got back to sleep.

I guess I miss feeling special. Like I was in a club with only two members. He was the person I talked to about all the random crap that happened during the day. Now what? We’re instantly out of each others lives, just like that? I want to talk to him but I know I shouldn’t, for my own good.

I’m just so tired. Taxed. Spent.

don’t be afraid

17 Aug

Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don’t be afraid. 

~Frederick Buechner


The relationship I was in for over a year ended on Sunday. I can say that right now I’m feeling way more emotions than I really want to be.  But, I haven’t lost my grip on reality, which is saying something.

I won’t go into details as they aren’t really important and are not things I wish to air in public. I’m not going to place blame, or think about what I should have done differently, or wonder if I’m going to find love again. Suffice it to say that it was a mutual decision and the breakup wasn’t due to lack of love. Right now I’m surprised that I’m not worse off than I am. In the past I would have been incapacitated by sorrow. Right now it hurts but I also have the sense that life goes on. I’m just hoping this isn’t the calm before the storm.

In any case, I’m going to try to get back into meditation and blogging to help me work out whatever I need to. It’s my time now. I’m the most important person in my life. And right now, that’s the way it should be.

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