Tag Archives: love

happy-maker

10 Feb

This is the sweetest thing I’ve seen in a long time.  This goldfish lost her ability to regulate her buoyancy and was stuck at the bottom of the tank. The owner crafted her a fish “wheelchair” and now she can swim again.

It’s so touching. It’s great to see someone caring about even the tiniest creature. It lifts my spirits! And that goldfish is super cute.

hope

1 Feb

Feeling sentimental and listening to sad love songs. I did a good job this week, but the pain is still there hiding under the surface.

But there’s something about being in pain that also makes you see things more clearly, and appreciate things more. It feels raw and kind of good at the same time.

But, I shouldn’t think about these things too much.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

i didn’t want to do it

26 Jan

I didn’t want to do it, but I had to.

He called me last night, to chat, to say he missed me, to say he wished I was there.

I said he was the one who decided I shouldn’t be there.

I asked him not to call me again.

I really didn’t want to say it. Of course I want to talk to him. I still want us to be together. But that was the choice he made.

I hope I’m right about this.

empty as the spaces between the stars

24 Jan

I feel empty. I cried a lot on the three days leading up to the breakup. But I’m not crying anymore.

I’m not sure what that means. I got up this morning, went to work, did my job. I admit, I’ve had a little pharmaceutical help in the form of Clonazepam. But I still find my reaction strange. I seem fine. I’m not broken to pieces as I had expected.

I’m wondering if the worst just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I haven’t really started to miss him. I definitely haven’t gotten to the part where I get madder than a hornet. I know that will come. That one always shows up eventually after this happens.

Or maybe it’s because change is the hardest part of a breakup, and I had been preparing for a change for the last couple of months. I just didn’t get the specific change that I had wanted. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll have those moments of sorrow, where I start to cry unexpectedly when I see something that reminds me of him. I’ll have to remove/block a bunch of stuff on Facebook so I don’t have to look at it. The nostalgia of the good times will creep up.

But I know enough about myself now. I know exactly who I am. I’ve done this enough times.

Anyway, an empty vessel leaves space for you to fill it up with anything you want.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

seriously…..no kidding

23 Jan

I know I already posted this once before, but I feel like I need to really remember this right now as I’m at an difficult juncture in my life.

you deserve it

4 Jun

04.30.2012

30 Apr

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.

– Leo Tolstoy

03.16.2012

16 Mar

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

– Jalal ad-Din Rumi

all the single ladies

12 Feb

Well, the worst holiday of the entire year is in two days. Can you tell I’m jumping up and down right now?

Anyway, I’m trying not to be completely pessimistic and bitchy about it. So I looked for ways to entertain myself. I got sucked into the abyss of YouTube watching funny videos and I discovered the whole “shit ___ people say” fad. Apparently I’ve been living under a rock.

This one is particularly appropos. It made me laugh….and I have said all of these things at one point or another…..except for the part about cats.

Happy VD.

 

 

the waiting is the hardest part…

8 Feb

…as issued from the sagely mouth of Tom Petty.

I can be impatient. I am person of action, so when I come up with a plan I execute it with haste and expect the results to start rolling in. In a way this has been a good thing for me. I’ve always had goals. For the most part I’ve achieved those goals. But it also means that I am constantly focused on whether or not I’m getting where I want to go. To use a hackneyed expression, I’m not enjoying the ride. I’m just in a hurry to get to the destination.

Also, as an aspie, I get all kinds of twitchy when things don’t go according to plan. And with the recent happenings in my life this has been leading to a lot of pain for me. It feels like this whole “finding love” thing is taking for-fucking-ever.

So how do you make an effort at something but not get too caught up in the outcome?

How do you remain eager and hopeful yet unattached?

I don’t know. I don’t have those answers.

All I know is that the lovely Bev posted the following on my Facebook page and it made me cry just a little and made me feel better just a little.

at the close of the day

6 Feb

Nothing like a little something from Uncle Walt to make me feel better when I’m blue. He always knows exactly what to say.

When I heard at the close of the day how my name had been receiv’d with plaudits in the capitol, still it was not a happy night for me that follow’d;

And else, when I carous’d, or when my plans were accomplish’d, still I was not happy;

But the day when I rose at dawn from the bed of perfect health, refresh’d, singing, inhaling the ripe breath of autumn,

When I saw the full moon in the west grow pale and disappear in the morning light,

When I wander’d alone over the beach, and undressing, bathed, laughing with the cool waters, and saw the sun rise,

And when I thought how my dear friend, my lover, was on his way coming, O then I was happy;

O then each breath tasted sweeter—and all that day my food nourish’d me more—and the beautiful day pass’d well,

And the next came with equal joy—and with the next, at evening, came my friend;

And that night, while all was still, I heard the waters roll slowly continually up the shores,

I heard the hissing rustle of the liquid and sands, as directed to me, whispering, to congratulate me,

For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the same cover in the cool night,

In the stillness, in the autumn moonbeams, his face was inclined toward me,

And his arm lay lightly around my breast—and that night I was happy.

for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

i feel everything

22 Sep

Lately I’ve been a lot more open than I have been in years.  Maybe even since I was a kid.

I feel everything.

It’s kind of wonderful, but it’s also kind of exhausting.

what it takes

22 Aug

So I saw my therapist today for the first time since the breakup. He was on vacation last week. He thinks that I am dealing with everything very well. That’s what I thought too, but it’s nice to have the reassurance of a professional.

The funny thing is that when I finally made the decision to start going to a therapist it wasn’t when I was really depressed or felt desperate.  It was when I was well enough to want to work on myself and become a better, happier person. I was lucky enough to have found a therapist that I really work well with, and who was willing to give me a discounted rate. I’ve been going there for two years now and I’ve made a lot of progress. Some of it may be due to maturity or perspective, but I definitely think my therapist has really helped me as well. I believe people can change if they want to and they work at it. I know they can, because I’m living proof. I never thought I’d be able to handle this situation as well as I have.

I’m proud of myself.

tipsy

21 Aug

I felt pretty good today. I’ve kept myself busy since yesterday evening, which helps to avoid obsessive over-analysis. According to the book I’ve been reading, staying busy can be helpful as long as it’s not a way of ignoring or denying your feelings. Yesterday after crying for a good bit, I started the massive clean up and organization of my bedroom that I had been planning. I managed to get almost all of it done yesterday. I rearranged the furniture and ordered new bedding. I’m feng shui-ing that bitch. And I’m attempting to make my bed The Most Comfortable Bed In Existence. I’m going to make this room my sanctuary.

During the day today I went canoeing with my parents on the Juniata River. It was pretty fun. We saw a bunch of fish and birds, including a bald eagle. I accidentally tipped the canoe. I thought it was funny. I don’t think my parents were amused. When we got back I started priming and painting my old desk and chair to go in my room so I have a work area in there. Then, tonight I had a phone call from a friend that I haven’t talked to in almost a year, which was much appreciated.

So, things could be worse.

as i suspected

20 Aug

Yesterday and today have been hard days for me. It’s been almost a week since the breakup and I’m starting to miss him. I also haven’t gotten enough sleep the past two nights, which tends to make me more emotional anyway. I woke up at 3AM this morning and never got back to sleep.

I guess I miss feeling special. Like I was in a club with only two members. He was the person I talked to about all the random crap that happened during the day. Now what? We’re instantly out of each others lives, just like that? I want to talk to him but I know I shouldn’t, for my own good.

I’m just so tired. Taxed. Spent.

there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in

18 Aug
Image by Lynn Park

Image by Lynn Park

Like many people, I’m turning to my spiritual side in a time of turmoil. I’ve called myself a Buddhist for a few years now. I’ve joined Zen centers and gone on retreats and practiced meditation on and off. Now, I’m committing myself to a regular meditation practice.

I’ve started reading a lovely book by Susan Piver called The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. It has been very helpful for me. It looks at dealing with a breakup from a Buddhist slant, but could be helpful to people of any faith as it is not overtly dogmatic or religious. This Buddhist viewpoint tells us that it is best to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. We should lean into the pain without grasping on to it or pushing it away. Piver gives suggestions for a meditation practice and useful exercises peppered with personal anecdotes and observations about love and the human heart. I’m not usually into anything too new-agey, but this book is just right. Piver brings the good news that with a broken heart comes the opportunity for total transformation. She writes:

Although it is tremendously disorienting on one hand, on another, you will never see so clearly as you do when your heart is broken. If you’ve ever wanted to get at the truth about your life, your character and destiny, the depth of your friendships, you can choose to see these things now.

Something else that she brings up that I wholeheartedly agree with is that when one has a broken heart one has a unique opportunity to feel emotions more intensely and to empathize with others more completely.

When your heart is broken, sadness begins to soften you whether you want it to or not. Your normal defenses are gone. When you think of the pain you feel, the tears come. A sad movie or song could make you cry, but so could a happy one; the poignancy of any genuine emotion is inescapably touching. When you see that others are in pain, you cry for them, too. The world actually seems alive in a way it never had before – every moment seems laden with meaning.

…Heart break presents a very important choice: you can either open to it and allow it to soften and strengthen you, or you can fight it tooth and nail and turn away from it, which is tantamount to giving it permission to harden your heart.

In my experience this is utterly and completely true, and I intend to take full advantage of it.

don’t be afraid

17 Aug

Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don’t be afraid. 

~Frederick Buechner


The relationship I was in for over a year ended on Sunday. I can say that right now I’m feeling way more emotions than I really want to be.  But, I haven’t lost my grip on reality, which is saying something.

I won’t go into details as they aren’t really important and are not things I wish to air in public. I’m not going to place blame, or think about what I should have done differently, or wonder if I’m going to find love again. Suffice it to say that it was a mutual decision and the breakup wasn’t due to lack of love. Right now I’m surprised that I’m not worse off than I am. In the past I would have been incapacitated by sorrow. Right now it hurts but I also have the sense that life goes on. I’m just hoping this isn’t the calm before the storm.

In any case, I’m going to try to get back into meditation and blogging to help me work out whatever I need to. It’s my time now. I’m the most important person in my life. And right now, that’s the way it should be.

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