Tag Archives: pain

hope

1 Feb

Feeling sentimental and listening to sad love songs. I did a good job this week, but the pain is still there hiding under the surface.

But there’s something about being in pain that also makes you see things more clearly, and appreciate things more. It feels raw and kind of good at the same time.

But, I shouldn’t think about these things too much.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

i didn’t want to do it

26 Jan

I didn’t want to do it, but I had to.

He called me last night, to chat, to say he missed me, to say he wished I was there.

I said he was the one who decided I shouldn’t be there.

I asked him not to call me again.

I really didn’t want to say it. Of course I want to talk to him. I still want us to be together. But that was the choice he made.

I hope I’m right about this.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

the tectonic plates are shifting

2 Jan

I’ve been really cranky lately and I apologize. It’s no fun for anyone, especially me.

It’s just that I’ve been getting angry at everything. I feel like a bunch of repressed anger has started to bubble up from deep inside my core. The more of this stuff that pushes through the surface the bigger the cracks get, and then there’s room for more to bubble up.

Some of you probably know what the Buddha said about anger. I’ll paraphrase it: Anger is like a hot coal. You grasp it with the intention of hurling it at someone else, but you end up burning yourself.

But anger can also be a very useful emotion because it is what compels people to change things in their lives. Where you run into problems is when you’re angry about things that you have absolutely no control over. I would venture to guess that this would apply to most of the things we get angry about on a given day.

Some people also say that anger is a secondary emotion; that it only occurs in response to some other emotion, like sadness or pain. I can see how most of my anger comes from a place of pain or rejection, but can I do anything about that? Probably not. Not now at least. I can’t make all the assholes in the world be nice. I can’t go back in time and stand up for myself when I should have.

When you really get down to the brass tacks, I’m mostly just pissed at myself. For not turning out to be the person I thought  I should. For letting other people make me feel small. For being afraid. No, especially for being afraid. Luckily for me there is something I can do about that.

as i suspected

20 Aug

Yesterday and today have been hard days for me. It’s been almost a week since the breakup and I’m starting to miss him. I also haven’t gotten enough sleep the past two nights, which tends to make me more emotional anyway. I woke up at 3AM this morning and never got back to sleep.

I guess I miss feeling special. Like I was in a club with only two members. He was the person I talked to about all the random crap that happened during the day. Now what? We’re instantly out of each others lives, just like that? I want to talk to him but I know I shouldn’t, for my own good.

I’m just so tired. Taxed. Spent.

%d bloggers like this: