Tag Archives: relationships

it always gets worse before it gets better

27 Jan

Spent almost the entire day doing paperwork for a job that doesn’t pay me for the time it takes to do the paperwork. At least that kept me busy though.

Now I’m starting to feel bad. Why is it always worse at night? Because I’m tired maybe. Because I start thinking about things that are better left alone.

Today was the first day that I have had absolutely no contact of any kind with him. But there are little reminders everywhere. I found the rose that he gave me on our second date. I thought for a while that I could keep it, that it wouldn’t bother me. But I was wrong, so I threw it away. But I have so many other things to remind me of him that it doesn’t really matter. And I know this is going to get worse before it gets better.

empty as the spaces between the stars

24 Jan

I feel empty. I cried a lot on the three days leading up to the breakup. But I’m not crying anymore.

I’m not sure what that means. I got up this morning, went to work, did my job. I admit, I’ve had a little pharmaceutical help in the form of Clonazepam. But I still find my reaction strange. I seem fine. I’m not broken to pieces as I had expected.

I’m wondering if the worst just hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I haven’t really started to miss him. I definitely haven’t gotten to the part where I get madder than a hornet. I know that will come. That one always shows up eventually after this happens.

Or maybe it’s because change is the hardest part of a breakup, and I had been preparing for a change for the last couple of months. I just didn’t get the specific change that I had wanted. I’m sure as time goes on I’ll have those moments of sorrow, where I start to cry unexpectedly when I see something that reminds me of him. I’ll have to remove/block a bunch of stuff on Facebook so I don’t have to look at it. The nostalgia of the good times will creep up.

But I know enough about myself now. I know exactly who I am. I’ve done this enough times.

Anyway, an empty vessel leaves space for you to fill it up with anything you want.

time passing

24 Jan

I turned thirty two weeks ago. I thought I was going to have a lot of trouble dealing with it, but I turned out to be fine. I guess the times I freaked out at 27, 28, and 29 made a freakout at 30 redundant.

I was okay in part because I was in a relationship with somebody whom I really loved and I felt happy. But that’s over now too. And even though I felt pretty terrible for the past few weeks and a lot of other stressful things have happened, I am okay. I know I haven’t fully dealt with it yet and I’m going to feel terrible some more before I’m over it, but I will be okay.

And there are lovely people in my life who care about me and have been supporting me, and I am very thankful for that. Thank you to all of my friends and family. I love you.

But, be prepared to deal with my blubbering for the next couple of weeks.

fairness and failure

5 Feb

Expecting the world to be fair because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

The concept of fairness is one that many people struggle with, especially aspies. But from a young age most of our mothers impart to us the wisdom that life isn’t fair. You never know what is going to happen, and you usually can’t figure out why it happens either.

I’ve been struggling with this concept a lot in the past week. I’ve been feeling depressed, moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been wondering why I can’t seem to find a partner in life. Then to add to my misery I found out from Facebook (which I really need to stop using because it always manages to upset me) that my ex now has a new girlfriend and they’ve presumably been together for a few months.

This does not really surprise me. He’s the type of person who is never alone for more than a few months before moving on to someone else. And I don’t want to be with him. But it still hurts. A lot. It feels like if he can move on so quickly than what we had wasn’t as important to him as I thought it was.

The worst part about it is that I am a better person than he is.

I mean this in the most objective way possible. Not in a vindictive way. I am simply a nicer, more mature, less selfish, less manipulative, less hurtful person than he is. I am more honest. I am more sincere. I know how to express my feelings. And I don’t misrepresent myself. Oh, and I don’t go on drinking binges until I black out.

So why is it that he always seems to have someone who wants to date him?

Why am I the one that’s alone?

How is it that someone so emotionally stunted always has people who want to be with him even though he’s just going to end up acting like a jerk-face?

I am freaking wonderful in comparison.

This is why I’ve been popping Klonopin all weekend.

Seriously, if someone has an answer to this I’d love to know.

for crying out loud

2 Dec

I’ve mentioned this in a couple of other posts, but ever since The Breakup I’ve been crying. A lot.

This isn’t quite what it sounds like. I’m not depressed and crying alone in my room. I mean I cry at happy things I hear on the radio, or moving things I see on a tv show, or when I hear that something bad has happened to somebody, or when I listen to certain uplifting songs.

Let me say that when I was younger I was not a crier. As a teenager I was depressed but I had a flat affect. I was a sarcastic kid who didn’t want to show a vulnerable side. I never, and I mean never, cried at movies or weddings. I only cried when something directly affected me, like when I would have huge arguments with my drunken father, and I always tried to hide it. I thought crying was a sign of weakness. That veneer started to crack a bit in college, but not much.

Then, in my adult life I would experience the frequent crying whenever I had PMS. Especially whenever I would see that damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ad. But for the last four months I’ve been crying at the tiniest thing. Like I said, most of the time it’s not even related to something sad. It feels like my heart has been broken open. Any flicker of emotion happens and I feel it full force. I wasn’t really surprised when this happened right after the break up, but I am kind of surprised that it has stayed this way.

Maybe it’s permanent. Maybe I’m broken open forever. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I have more empathy now. Maybe I can really feel for the first time since I was a kid.

This is an exhausting state to be in if you aren’t used to it. But, I hope it is permanent. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m a better person this way. In a strange way I feel stronger. I don’t feel ashamed of my emotions like I used to, and I don’t have someone around making me feel that way either. My feelings are just here with me, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. I am not being an “over-emotional woman” who is acting “unstable.” I am simply allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of human emotion.

I think I’m okay with that and I don’t care who sees.

This is me.

gloomy

5 Sep

That’s what the weather is like today and that’s how I’m feeling.

I was doing so well the first two weeks after the breakup. Now I feel lonely and stressed out. I cried and now my face feels all crusty.

I know I’m probably feeling worse today because I didn’t get enough sleep the past two nights.  I know that has a big effect on my mood. I guess I’ll do my meditation and see if that helps. I’m going on faith that if I meditate every day that I’ll have some sort of positive change in my perspective.  I guess the only way to find out is to keep doing it.

what it takes

22 Aug

So I saw my therapist today for the first time since the breakup. He was on vacation last week. He thinks that I am dealing with everything very well. That’s what I thought too, but it’s nice to have the reassurance of a professional.

The funny thing is that when I finally made the decision to start going to a therapist it wasn’t when I was really depressed or felt desperate.  It was when I was well enough to want to work on myself and become a better, happier person. I was lucky enough to have found a therapist that I really work well with, and who was willing to give me a discounted rate. I’ve been going there for two years now and I’ve made a lot of progress. Some of it may be due to maturity or perspective, but I definitely think my therapist has really helped me as well. I believe people can change if they want to and they work at it. I know they can, because I’m living proof. I never thought I’d be able to handle this situation as well as I have.

I’m proud of myself.

tipsy

21 Aug

I felt pretty good today. I’ve kept myself busy since yesterday evening, which helps to avoid obsessive over-analysis. According to the book I’ve been reading, staying busy can be helpful as long as it’s not a way of ignoring or denying your feelings. Yesterday after crying for a good bit, I started the massive clean up and organization of my bedroom that I had been planning. I managed to get almost all of it done yesterday. I rearranged the furniture and ordered new bedding. I’m feng shui-ing that bitch. And I’m attempting to make my bed The Most Comfortable Bed In Existence. I’m going to make this room my sanctuary.

During the day today I went canoeing with my parents on the Juniata River. It was pretty fun. We saw a bunch of fish and birds, including a bald eagle. I accidentally tipped the canoe. I thought it was funny. I don’t think my parents were amused. When we got back I started priming and painting my old desk and chair to go in my room so I have a work area in there. Then, tonight I had a phone call from a friend that I haven’t talked to in almost a year, which was much appreciated.

So, things could be worse.

as i suspected

20 Aug

Yesterday and today have been hard days for me. It’s been almost a week since the breakup and I’m starting to miss him. I also haven’t gotten enough sleep the past two nights, which tends to make me more emotional anyway. I woke up at 3AM this morning and never got back to sleep.

I guess I miss feeling special. Like I was in a club with only two members. He was the person I talked to about all the random crap that happened during the day. Now what? We’re instantly out of each others lives, just like that? I want to talk to him but I know I shouldn’t, for my own good.

I’m just so tired. Taxed. Spent.

there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in

18 Aug
Image by Lynn Park

Image by Lynn Park

Like many people, I’m turning to my spiritual side in a time of turmoil. I’ve called myself a Buddhist for a few years now. I’ve joined Zen centers and gone on retreats and practiced meditation on and off. Now, I’m committing myself to a regular meditation practice.

I’ve started reading a lovely book by Susan Piver called The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. It has been very helpful for me. It looks at dealing with a breakup from a Buddhist slant, but could be helpful to people of any faith as it is not overtly dogmatic or religious. This Buddhist viewpoint tells us that it is best to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. We should lean into the pain without grasping on to it or pushing it away. Piver gives suggestions for a meditation practice and useful exercises peppered with personal anecdotes and observations about love and the human heart. I’m not usually into anything too new-agey, but this book is just right. Piver brings the good news that with a broken heart comes the opportunity for total transformation. She writes:

Although it is tremendously disorienting on one hand, on another, you will never see so clearly as you do when your heart is broken. If you’ve ever wanted to get at the truth about your life, your character and destiny, the depth of your friendships, you can choose to see these things now.

Something else that she brings up that I wholeheartedly agree with is that when one has a broken heart one has a unique opportunity to feel emotions more intensely and to empathize with others more completely.

When your heart is broken, sadness begins to soften you whether you want it to or not. Your normal defenses are gone. When you think of the pain you feel, the tears come. A sad movie or song could make you cry, but so could a happy one; the poignancy of any genuine emotion is inescapably touching. When you see that others are in pain, you cry for them, too. The world actually seems alive in a way it never had before – every moment seems laden with meaning.

…Heart break presents a very important choice: you can either open to it and allow it to soften and strengthen you, or you can fight it tooth and nail and turn away from it, which is tantamount to giving it permission to harden your heart.

In my experience this is utterly and completely true, and I intend to take full advantage of it.

don’t be afraid

17 Aug

Here is the world.  Beautiful and terrible things will happen.  Don’t be afraid. 

~Frederick Buechner


The relationship I was in for over a year ended on Sunday. I can say that right now I’m feeling way more emotions than I really want to be.  But, I haven’t lost my grip on reality, which is saying something.

I won’t go into details as they aren’t really important and are not things I wish to air in public. I’m not going to place blame, or think about what I should have done differently, or wonder if I’m going to find love again. Suffice it to say that it was a mutual decision and the breakup wasn’t due to lack of love. Right now I’m surprised that I’m not worse off than I am. In the past I would have been incapacitated by sorrow. Right now it hurts but I also have the sense that life goes on. I’m just hoping this isn’t the calm before the storm.

In any case, I’m going to try to get back into meditation and blogging to help me work out whatever I need to. It’s my time now. I’m the most important person in my life. And right now, that’s the way it should be.

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